December,5th

Hey guys, sorry It feels like I haven't posted in forever
And I miss you all,
I promise I will post something tomorrow <3

21/13

I have so manny thoughts running thro my head,
That somtimes it's hard to seperate them.
Like I'll have one thought but then the next one comes
So fast I didn't even get to process the first.
I deal with it most of the time but when I'm upset
My thoughts get dark,
And I get so lost in them that I brake down and
Cry for hours.
Does this happen to anyone eles?
Or am I just Insain like everyone says?

17/13

Back down to 112.4
It honesty the only thing I'm happy about right now,
Iv just been so blah lately it hard to describe
I started talking to my old best freind
And she might be going back to the mental hospital
Tomorrow,
Did I mention us not talking was one of the reasons
I went last time?
I want to be there for her and everything
But it's hard knowing that she didn't care when I went.
I feel like I'm just being a selfish bitch,

marijuana, 
It help with pain, multiple medical problems 
Even cancer. 
But can it help with anorexia? 
I believe it can help, tho it will not cure.
Because I repress my hunger so much
My mind is no longer able to tell if I really am hungry
So pot can help by stimulating hunger
Even tho you can still restrict weil smoking
It does make it a bit more difficult,
So I wasjust wondering    what you guys thought about this
Does pot help with anorexia?
Do you smoke?
And if you do how does it effect you?

Fuck!
Sorry guys but I'm in the worst mood and
I have no idea why.
So I am going to lay in my moms bed
Rent a horror movie and eat a shit ton of candy
And I'm not even going to give a flying fuck
How manny calories they are.
I'll probably regrade this tomarrow
But I don't even care right now

14/13

I can talk for hours about how much I hate my body,
I can talk for hours about how much I hate myself,
And honestly this is beginning to scare me.........

11/12/13

115.3, 115.3, 115.3, 115.3
This number just keeps running thro my head.
I'm sitting in math class trying to take a quiz
But I can't even focus, I can't focus on the quiz,
I can't focus on anything but that number,
That stupid fucking number.
It makes me feel like Iv failed
My mom has been watching me eat
And I hate it.
I hate everything
I hate my weight
I hate the mirror,
I hate my body,
I hate myself,
I'm sorry guys but right now I just feel teribule.
I feel like I'm going to break.

Hey guys, I'm not sure if I ever completely
Explained what happened after me and my best freind
Since 4th stope talking. We'll we were really close
As y'all can imagine because we grow up togeather
We did absolutely everything together.
We have both been thro a lot,
We have both been sent to mental hospitals,
She was the only person that really understood me,
She was basically everything I had,
So when we got into a fight and stopped talking
I had a relapse. Let me clarify here, I am not
Blaming her or anything. I took the pills not her,
It's was purely my desion.i just acted on feelings
That my mind didn't know how to cope with. But
Back to the story I took over 50 trazadon (idk if I spelled that right)
My mother had to drive me to the hospital and I
Was forced to drink charcoal which as you probably
Assumed is not a pleasant experience.
I was then sent to a treatment center agin for 4 days

The reason I brought this up is because I started talking
To her agin last night,
We hung out today for the first time in over 2 months
I'm still not sure howitzer feel about the situation
Just yet. I mean I'm happy she's my friend agin,
But she really hurt me. I guess I should just forget about it
And be happy but I'm not sure, you know?
Sorry I feel like sometime I blabber on and on...

Since I started to try and get better honestly

Iv just gotten worse, yes my weight has increased to 13.8

But as I try to push Ana away Mia just seems to take her spot.

Iv been purging a lot the last few days and now

My stomach hurts so bad I can bearly move. 

I feel so fucking terrible that I came to the decision

That I'm going back to fasting starting tomorrow.

Other than that my life has been pretty okay I guess

I started driving school, and I made some new freinds.

That's at least good right? I just feel all over the place 

Right now, I have tons of make up work Iv been blowing off

And let's just say my "love life" is less than perfect. 

But still reading y'all's comments make me smile,

So I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that reads 

This blog, you guys mean so much to me <3

11/5/13

Sorry I haven't posted in forever guys
I was trying to be in recovery but as you can
Probably guess that hasn't exactly worked out so well.
I can't help but think of it every day.
That stupid damn number, why does it have to haunt me?
I know it's wrong but sometimes Feel like anorexia
Is my only real friend.
Iv had a pretty long day so sorry this is just
A short, random post but I'll post something better tomorrow

10/23

Sometimes like right now I can't fall asleep, things just keep running thro my head. So manny thoughts it's like I can't control them. So I desided just to blog about a couple of them. Sometimes I just don't under stand my ed. It's like it's my only freind but people keep telling me it's going to kill me. I know anorexia is bad and I feel like somtimes it's just pulling me down. But it's allways there no matter what. I think that's what keeps me calm sometimes, no matter how bad other things get my anorexia will allways be there. Since me and my ex beat freind stopes talking, I think of anorexia as my reall best freind, and if I stay faithful to "her" then she won't leave me. Do you guys understand what in trying to say?  Some times I feel like I'm just blabbering on and on.......

10/22/13

Oh anorexia, can't live with her but can't live without her.
Well  anyway my mom noticed i haven't been eating again.
With means i have to start eating more around her
or shes going to tell my psychiatrist And since ill
be eating more you know what that means,
weight gain. Yup so i might as well just try to suck it  up
as best  i can and just stay positive. I'm going
to try to not weight myself for the  next  few days
and ill just exercise even  more.
Sorry this is a short post because i'm
about to  be leaving for therapy in a few
min. I'll probably post something longer and more
meaning full tomorrow. <3

10/18/13

So this post was going to be about how i lost
my phone today and how pissed off i was.
But then i read a comment on here and it just made me feel
so much better. You guys  mean so much to me.
I still can't believe people atchally care to
read about my life. Sometimes when  i read a comment on
here i can't help but  cry. It makes me realize
people really care and i'm not alone <3

Well  yeah i lost my phone today at school and it
made me pretty upset. So i came home and
ate some spaghetti from  last night which
just made me feel even worse.
I hate that feeling after you eat
and you know you should be happy
because your getting better but
something inside of you just
doesn't get it. Like i spend the last 4
years  telling myself food was bad
and now my body believes it.

Sorry for the really long post guys but
i wanted to share my thoughts with you about
my psychiatrist appointment last Monday
She asked me about  how i'v been eating
and i  lied and told her i no longer felt the urge
to restrict or purge. Then she told me to get on the scale.
113.7 She was so happy but  i still didn't quite understand
why. To me that  number was terrible.
Its weird how she can be so proud
at the same number that makes me feel
disgusting. I realize that sometimes
i might "glamorize" my ED
but that's just my minds way of dealing with it.
Eating disorders are the worst things ever.
I hate it, but sometimes it feels like
it's the only thing i'v got left.

10/12/13

Hey guys!
This post is a little more up beat then
the last few. I'm at 111.2 I'v gained
a little but i'm trying to stay positive.
I walked about 5 miles today and i'll try to eat
"normal" untell Monday. since i have a psychiatrist
appointment and i don't want her to ask why  im losing
more wait. But after monday i will be going on a 4
day fast.

Be strong, and starve on.

10/9/13

I hate it, how people ask you if your anorexic so plainly. All I ever ancer is of course not. But anorexia is a big part of my life I wish I could let someone get to know the real me. But then I remember no one wants to be friends with someone who obsesses over food and gets terrified over the slightest bit of weight gain. So I have a question for you guys if you do have an eating

Disorder who knows about it? How did you get up the nerve to tell them? 

10/8/13

Sometime, like right now I just brake. It doesn't matter how well I've been doing or for how long somehow I always end up here, laying in my bed crying for no reason. I don't want to even move. I want to hide from the world, I want to hide from all my problems and every one who has ever hurt me. But it know that's not how life works so ill just end up crying for the next few hours fearing the inevitable.   

New phone!!

Hey guys guess what! I just got a new I phone witch means I can post any time! I'm in math class right now an I think I just failed a test but after this is lunch and I'll probably go smoke cx yay I'm feeling happy even tho I attchally ate breakfast I still feel light! ^~^ 

10/6/13

I just wanted you guys to know how much you're

comments mean to me <3 I feel like i have support that  iv never 

had before.

This is just a little something i wrote a few 

days ago and forgot to type up.

Everyone tells me "It's just a number."

But it's not.

If it was Just a number,

Then why dose it mean so much?

It defines my emotions and how i 

react to things thro out the day

It makes me decide weather or not to eat.

It make  me decide how much to work out.

It defines not only everyday of my life,

It defines who i am.

And sometimes i think i am the gap between my thies. 

But i know thats not all i am.

And no matter how bad my eating disorder gets 

i promises myself ill never forget,

I am not my eating disorder 

10/6/13

I haven't posted the last few days because 

i have been eating sooo much and i feel like a failure 

But i'm going on a fast tomorrow so ill post latter and 

hopefully ill feel better.

Starve on!

9/29/13

I am soooo tired,

I had a bowling tournament that  lasted ALL day.

I placed 4th which isn't bad but its still

not as good as i wanted to do.  

It was fun tho, and i got to hang out with this

guy i haven't seen in a long time.

He made a big deal about how skinny i was. 

I'm not sure how to feel about that. 

I'm happy i guess but i still don't feel 

like i'm skinny. Does that make since?

9/27/13

Welp, that's me if you guys were wondering what  i look like.
My braces hut soooooo bad, and i
already broke 3 brackets.
I'v gained 2 pounds and i feel like a fat whale!
Thinking about going on another fast?

Starve on!

9/24/13

Happy Autumn Equinox!!!

I'm making apple cider to celebrate. 

I should probably mention i have never made cider before.

And i have no idea what the hell i'm doing! 

If all else fails, it will at least turn out interesting right? 

Well i hope so. It takes 3 hours to cook so im going to 

be up at least untell midnight.....probably more like 2.

I get out early from school tomorrow so i can get my braces

put on and i'm totally freaking the fuck out!! 

Wish me luck? 

Starve on! 

9/23/13

Well, the guy in my art class sucks. I messaged him on Facebook

asking him what  time he wanted to meet up but he 

never replied. ;-;  

But on the  bright side this really cute senor i'v been 

talking to for the last few weeks 

asked me out!!! 

Long story short  we stayed up 

all night on Skype talking  c; 

Iv been with allot of guys and girls but 

i don't think i believe in true "love"

I know that its kind of weird but i don't think two people 

can/should stay together forever.

This is probably just because everyone 

i'v ever had any feeling for in my life 

left. I just don't understand how two people can stay 

together for the rest of there life's.

Maybe i'm just crazy, what do you guys think?

9/22/13

Hey guys,
So i  changed the  name of  my blog to  Beauty  Is In The Bones.
What do ya'll think?
I just got back from a run, took a shower and now
i'm about to go to the store, and after that
i'm going to hang out with the  guy from my art class!!

Starve on!

9/21/13

Oh.my.god, guys i did it! 110.lbs  ^~^
I  am so fucking happy right now!!!!
Plus tomorrow i get to go chill with this really cute guy
from my art class. But the best thing is
that he only lives two streets down from me!!!

Starve on beautiful laddies!

9/19/13

Oh. My. God. I got my first follower and 2 comments thank you so much <3
I am so excited. I guess this means someone out there really is listening  to me
blabber on and on about my crazy life. Well not much
happened at school to day. I went in early  to get some homework done
and i was so exhausted by the end of the day. I still haven't written my
English paper that's due tomorrow so i'm kind off stressing about that.
Plus i am so scared to start that  new ED therapy. I'm scarred to give up the
only thing i really have control over, my weight. I really do want to be happy
and i want to be healthy but its scary as hell.

New Song

So i just wanted to know what you guys thought of my new song so far?

Your a fallen angle.

Just a bit unstable

But i guess that how you knew 

This earth is not for you.

So close your eyes,

And hold on tight,

Sooner or latter it will be alright 

But i guess that's what  they always say,

Just a little bit less then perfectly insane. 

9/18/13

   Well, iv been fasting for the last day and a half and i'm down to 111.8!!!!
I am so excited even tho the rest of my day didn't go so well. During lunch two of my friends
almost got into a fist fight. This didn't bother me untell the table across the court yard
started screaming "nerd fight" My friends may not be the most popular kids at school
but at least they aren't total dicks like thos guys.
    Sometimes i wonder if anyone's really reading this or if i'm just babbling on and on to nobody?

Starve on!

9/16/13

Sorry i haven't posted in a few days. I got sent to a treatment center......again .
I tried to OD on some sleeping pills and it didn't really turn out well. Long story short
i'm back home and doing better.  However when i was there they found out about me ED, now i have
to go to this really ex-stream therapy for it. Ill keep you up dated when i know more about it.

Starve on!

9/7/3

I gained 2 pounds in a day! God i hate myself right now, plus my ex-best friends ex-boyfriend started texting me. Apparently  he's still in love with her. She was my best friend since 4th grade she hates me now and i don't know what to do. God, someone tell me what  to do?

9/6/13

Today was allright I ended my fast this morning and i lost 5 pounds in 3days. I'll eat today and then ill start a 4 day fast. 

Starve on!

9/5/13

Oh my god. Today actually didn't suck as much as I expected! In 8th period this really cute guy was talking to me and he kissed me after class!! Plus he found out i was pro Ana and it didn't freak out or anything. He just said i was to skinny to be doing that. Even tho i don't believe him it was still supper sweet. No one else at my school knows i'm pro Ana. The last guy i liked found out and totally freaked and hasn't talked to me since. I'm so happy right now. I have so much energy and i think its from not eating. I'm going to go have a totally bad-ass workout.

Starve on! 

9/5/13

  Getting ready for school. God, i hate it. I wish I didn't have to go, but since  i missed so much last year at the hospital my mother is forcing me. Plus i  have a meeting with my guidance counselor this morning to talk about my credits which mean i have to go super early! Fuck i don't want to go, wish me luck?

Starve on!

9/4/13

Start weight- 117 

height- 5'7 

Goal- 100 

 This was the first day of my new fast so i decided why not start a blog? 

School was terrible but other than that my day was pretty good. I haven't eaten since 8 last night, i ran 3 miles and did 800 crunches. I feel Great!! I'm light, i'm empty, i'm free! Tomorrow i will go Ana ex-stream (still fasting) i will  wear a red shirt and my red beaded bracelet. I hope this will keep me strong. 

Starve on. <3