21/13

I have so manny thoughts running thro my head,
That somtimes it's hard to seperate them.
Like I'll have one thought but then the next one comes
So fast I didn't even get to process the first.
I deal with it most of the time but when I'm upset
My thoughts get dark,
And I get so lost in them that I brake down and
Cry for hours.
Does this happen to anyone eles?
Or am I just Insain like everyone says?

17/13

Back down to 112.4
It honesty the only thing I'm happy about right now,
Iv just been so blah lately it hard to describe
I started talking to my old best freind
And she might be going back to the mental hospital
Tomorrow,
Did I mention us not talking was one of the reasons
I went last time?
I want to be there for her and everything
But it's hard knowing that she didn't care when I went.
I feel like I'm just being a selfish bitch,

marijuana, 
It help with pain, multiple medical problems 
Even cancer. 
But can it help with anorexia? 
I believe it can help, tho it will not cure.
Because I repress my hunger so much
My mind is no longer able to tell if I really am hungry
So pot can help by stimulating hunger
Even tho you can still restrict weil smoking
It does make it a bit more difficult,
So I wasjust wondering    what you guys thought about this
Does pot help with anorexia?
Do you smoke?
And if you do how does it effect you?

Fuck!
Sorry guys but I'm in the worst mood and
I have no idea why.
So I am going to lay in my moms bed
Rent a horror movie and eat a shit ton of candy
And I'm not even going to give a flying fuck
How manny calories they are.
I'll probably regrade this tomarrow
But I don't even care right now

14/13

I can talk for hours about how much I hate my body,
I can talk for hours about how much I hate myself,
And honestly this is beginning to scare me.........

11/12/13

115.3, 115.3, 115.3, 115.3
This number just keeps running thro my head.
I'm sitting in math class trying to take a quiz
But I can't even focus, I can't focus on the quiz,
I can't focus on anything but that number,
That stupid fucking number.
It makes me feel like Iv failed
My mom has been watching me eat
And I hate it.
I hate everything
I hate my weight
I hate the mirror,
I hate my body,
I hate myself,
I'm sorry guys but right now I just feel teribule.
I feel like I'm going to break.

Hey guys, I'm not sure if I ever completely
Explained what happened after me and my best freind
Since 4th stope talking. We'll we were really close
As y'all can imagine because we grow up togeather
We did absolutely everything together.
We have both been thro a lot,
We have both been sent to mental hospitals,
She was the only person that really understood me,
She was basically everything I had,
So when we got into a fight and stopped talking
I had a relapse. Let me clarify here, I am not
Blaming her or anything. I took the pills not her,
It's was purely my desion.i just acted on feelings
That my mind didn't know how to cope with. But
Back to the story I took over 50 trazadon (idk if I spelled that right)
My mother had to drive me to the hospital and I
Was forced to drink charcoal which as you probably
Assumed is not a pleasant experience.
I was then sent to a treatment center agin for 4 days

The reason I brought this up is because I started talking
To her agin last night,
We hung out today for the first time in over 2 months
I'm still not sure howitzer feel about the situation
Just yet. I mean I'm happy she's my friend agin,
But she really hurt me. I guess I should just forget about it
And be happy but I'm not sure, you know?
Sorry I feel like sometime I blabber on and on...

Since I started to try and get better honestly

Iv just gotten worse, yes my weight has increased to 13.8

But as I try to push Ana away Mia just seems to take her spot.

Iv been purging a lot the last few days and now

My stomach hurts so bad I can bearly move. 

I feel so fucking terrible that I came to the decision

That I'm going back to fasting starting tomorrow.

Other than that my life has been pretty okay I guess

I started driving school, and I made some new freinds.

That's at least good right? I just feel all over the place 

Right now, I have tons of make up work Iv been blowing off

And let's just say my "love life" is less than perfect. 

But still reading y'all's comments make me smile,

So I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that reads 

This blog, you guys mean so much to me <3

11/5/13

Sorry I haven't posted in forever guys
I was trying to be in recovery but as you can
Probably guess that hasn't exactly worked out so well.
I can't help but think of it every day.
That stupid damn number, why does it have to haunt me?
I know it's wrong but sometimes Feel like anorexia
Is my only real friend.
Iv had a pretty long day so sorry this is just
A short, random post but I'll post something better tomorrow