10/23

Sometimes like right now I can't fall asleep, things just keep running thro my head. So manny thoughts it's like I can't control them. So I desided just to blog about a couple of them. Sometimes I just don't under stand my ed. It's like it's my only freind but people keep telling me it's going to kill me. I know anorexia is bad and I feel like somtimes it's just pulling me down. But it's allways there no matter what. I think that's what keeps me calm sometimes, no matter how bad other things get my anorexia will allways be there. Since me and my ex beat freind stopes talking, I think of anorexia as my reall best freind, and if I stay faithful to "her" then she won't leave me. Do you guys understand what in trying to say?  Some times I feel like I'm just blabbering on and on.......

10/22/13

Oh anorexia, can't live with her but can't live without her.
Well  anyway my mom noticed i haven't been eating again.
With means i have to start eating more around her
or shes going to tell my psychiatrist And since ill
be eating more you know what that means,
weight gain. Yup so i might as well just try to suck it  up
as best  i can and just stay positive. I'm going
to try to not weight myself for the  next  few days
and ill just exercise even  more.
Sorry this is a short post because i'm
about to  be leaving for therapy in a few
min. I'll probably post something longer and more
meaning full tomorrow. <3

10/18/13

So this post was going to be about how i lost
my phone today and how pissed off i was.
But then i read a comment on here and it just made me feel
so much better. You guys  mean so much to me.
I still can't believe people atchally care to
read about my life. Sometimes when  i read a comment on
here i can't help but  cry. It makes me realize
people really care and i'm not alone <3

Well  yeah i lost my phone today at school and it
made me pretty upset. So i came home and
ate some spaghetti from  last night which
just made me feel even worse.
I hate that feeling after you eat
and you know you should be happy
because your getting better but
something inside of you just
doesn't get it. Like i spend the last 4
years  telling myself food was bad
and now my body believes it.

Sorry for the really long post guys but
i wanted to share my thoughts with you about
my psychiatrist appointment last Monday
She asked me about  how i'v been eating
and i  lied and told her i no longer felt the urge
to restrict or purge. Then she told me to get on the scale.
113.7 She was so happy but  i still didn't quite understand
why. To me that  number was terrible.
Its weird how she can be so proud
at the same number that makes me feel
disgusting. I realize that sometimes
i might "glamorize" my ED
but that's just my minds way of dealing with it.
Eating disorders are the worst things ever.
I hate it, but sometimes it feels like
it's the only thing i'v got left.

10/12/13

Hey guys!
This post is a little more up beat then
the last few. I'm at 111.2 I'v gained
a little but i'm trying to stay positive.
I walked about 5 miles today and i'll try to eat
"normal" untell Monday. since i have a psychiatrist
appointment and i don't want her to ask why  im losing
more wait. But after monday i will be going on a 4
day fast.

Be strong, and starve on.

10/9/13

I hate it, how people ask you if your anorexic so plainly. All I ever ancer is of course not. But anorexia is a big part of my life I wish I could let someone get to know the real me. But then I remember no one wants to be friends with someone who obsesses over food and gets terrified over the slightest bit of weight gain. So I have a question for you guys if you do have an eating

Disorder who knows about it? How did you get up the nerve to tell them? 

10/8/13

Sometime, like right now I just brake. It doesn't matter how well I've been doing or for how long somehow I always end up here, laying in my bed crying for no reason. I don't want to even move. I want to hide from the world, I want to hide from all my problems and every one who has ever hurt me. But it know that's not how life works so ill just end up crying for the next few hours fearing the inevitable.   

New phone!!

Hey guys guess what! I just got a new I phone witch means I can post any time! I'm in math class right now an I think I just failed a test but after this is lunch and I'll probably go smoke cx yay I'm feeling happy even tho I attchally ate breakfast I still feel light! ^~^ 

10/6/13

I just wanted you guys to know how much you're

comments mean to me <3 I feel like i have support that  iv never 

had before.

This is just a little something i wrote a few 

days ago and forgot to type up.

Everyone tells me "It's just a number."

But it's not.

If it was Just a number,

Then why dose it mean so much?

It defines my emotions and how i 

react to things thro out the day

It makes me decide weather or not to eat.

It make  me decide how much to work out.

It defines not only everyday of my life,

It defines who i am.

And sometimes i think i am the gap between my thies. 

But i know thats not all i am.

And no matter how bad my eating disorder gets 

i promises myself ill never forget,

I am not my eating disorder 

10/6/13

I haven't posted the last few days because 

i have been eating sooo much and i feel like a failure 

But i'm going on a fast tomorrow so ill post latter and 

hopefully ill feel better.

Starve on!